we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
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