i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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