my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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