i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
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