Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
