How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
