My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
Randomize
