How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
