and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
so we'll all just be running around naked, basically. and high.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
