I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
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