She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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