Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
