I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
