I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
one might say we're banned from that church
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
I think the pizza delivery guy is getting a handjob next door.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
