He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
