so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
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