the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
