there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
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