Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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