Soap is not a condiment
Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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