i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
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