neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
