i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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