they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Randomize
