I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
Randomize
