Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
Randomize
