There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
how does that bad decision feel?
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
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