I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Randomize
