Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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