I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
