Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Randomize
