Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Vanillla milkshakes are the new Gold Bond. Will explain later.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize
