he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
