Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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