Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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