saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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