No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
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