Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
