Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I got a 69.7 in accounting. I have this whole doing the bare minimum down to a science
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
Randomize
