The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
