my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Would nail polish remover take gorilla glue off my nipples? We had a strange night.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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