The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
his semen tasted like maple syrup. no wonder fat girls always wanna fuck him.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
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