I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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