FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
