oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
There's a lady here with a big bag of dildos. I'm not sure that's appropriate bar baggage but, I like her style
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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