I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
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