When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I would bite a mans dick off for a chocolate milk.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Randomize
