One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
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