god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
