Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I enjoy the company of your penis
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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