If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Strip flip cup NEVER equals good idea
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
