my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Someone shattered a urinal.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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