dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
