Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
