So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
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