I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
