She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
