i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
Less talking, more tequila
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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