Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
well you can't waste a boner
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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